To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
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Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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