so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
