There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if only i could text you this smell
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
