What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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