It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
