I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just had sex on a roof
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
