i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
