Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
