My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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