You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
