I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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