Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
