You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
