It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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