wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
