Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
