I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
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Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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