My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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