This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
