I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
