you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
