I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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