So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
