Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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