At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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