I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
