you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
