Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
