Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
