I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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