dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
