I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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