Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
