I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
