oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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