i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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