remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
