I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You were trust falling into bushes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
