dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
