Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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