oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
