Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
