Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
