Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
