I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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