i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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