marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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