Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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