I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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