I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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