How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
