I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
