Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
