We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I made him laugh his dick is mine
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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