ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
